Silent All These Years

I am a rape victim.

It took me 23 years to be able to say this sentence.

To be able to call myself victim.  To be able to call how I lost my virginity.  To recognize that my abuser took more than my innocence, stole more than my girlhood.  He continues to brutalize me.  I continue to blame myself.  I could kill him with my bare hands for what he did to my sons' mother.  My boys deserved to be raised by a woman who felt whole.  They deserved a mom who didn't see a killer in every shadow, threat behind every smile.

I have to forgive him.  Not yet.  I just left denial.  I need to feel rage for a little bit.  I need to feel anger towards someone other than myself.  I need to cleanse myself in my ire, to learn to protect myself, to save myself, to value myself, to love myself.

I've been hurting for 23 years and I thought I deserved it.

I can take a couple weeks of sheer rage, knowing that I didn't.