Dear Maya

I too know why the caged bird sings.

She sings for peace,
For freedom.
In anger
At being caged in the first place.
In pain from beating her
Wings against the bars
That hold her in, she sings
In defiance of
The indignities she's suffered.

She sings, enraged.
She sings because the truth
Flies from her mouth, unbidden.

She cries,
Seeking solace, seeking refuge.
Desperate to retain that final
Shred of dignity.
She sings
For her homeland,
Out of pride
For who she would have been, uncaged.

She sings
In longing, lamenting that the cage
Exists at all.
She mourns
Her own soul,
Knowing the cage is her own
Design, fashioned to keep
The world out, soldered by
Fear of freedom. Imprisoned
By her younger self.

Maya, I know this wasn't your
Answer, but it's your fault.

Thank you.

Silent All These Years

I am a rape victim.

It took me 23 years to be able to say this sentence.

To be able to call myself victim.  To be able to call how I lost my virginity.  To recognize that my abuser took more than my innocence, stole more than my girlhood.  He continues to brutalize me.  I continue to blame myself.  I could kill him with my bare hands for what he did to my sons' mother.  My boys deserved to be raised by a woman who felt whole.  They deserved a mom who didn't see a killer in every shadow, threat behind every smile.

I have to forgive him.  Not yet.  I just left denial.  I need to feel rage for a little bit.  I need to feel anger towards someone other than myself.  I need to cleanse myself in my ire, to learn to protect myself, to save myself, to value myself, to love myself.

I've been hurting for 23 years and I thought I deserved it.

I can take a couple weeks of sheer rage, knowing that I didn't.